Mualgh: The Sound of Vomit

THE TERMINATOR IN A BATHROBE

2008-08-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Apparently The Terminator can wear a bathrobe while going through security and no one blinks and eye. If I were to do this I would be thrown on the floor, raped with a knight stick, fisted if Crazy McBottom was around, and then beat with an old stray broom because I liked it so much.

This bitch does not mess around, she put on her show, jumped straight into a car, rushed off to the airport and jumped on a flight. I would too if I was in Germany, which was exactly where she had just performed.

How did that steal bear trap, AKA her Vagina, make it through security? She probably blew everyone or fucked them in order to get through. She's classy.

WHERE'S MY TURKEY LEG?

2008-08-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

This annoying bitch opened shop on the streets on NYC to help promote the 3rd season of her talk show, which premieres sometime down the road, I could give a fuckity fuck because I just don't care. She was "making' food for the peeps on the street and passing it out to anyone who wanted a sample.

I would of taken a sample, smelled it, taken a little bite, and then thrown it back in her face before running off screaming like a young boy at Michael Jackson's 50th B-Day party. Jesus Juice and tylenol gel caps for everyone!!!

Put your elephant trunk in my mouth kids. MUALGH

Any way, If this bitch looks like she's getting fucked up the ass while scooping potato salad into a to go container.

TARD

NOT AGAIN.

2008-08-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

My first thought when I saw this cover. Where's the landscaper with lawnmower and can he run this bitch over?

She's in love Ya'll and country. Why does she still think she needs to talk about John Mayer? Didn't they break up in early 2006. You know what that means, she's obsessed and probably stalking him. She probably keep a pair of his used underwear, complete with racing strips cause you know he has those, in the hopes of contacting some South Korean DNA specialist who's willing to clone him. Get over it. He's moved on and prefers fucking someone with brains.

The clock has been set for this new breakup to take place, because when you publicly declare your love for someone on a magazine cover you are basically throwing the towel in and giving up on the relationship. Trust this, it happens, go through all your old People, Elle, etc...... and count how many couples have broken up.

60 days max for this couple. TRUST THIS!!!

HAPPY 50TH

2008-08-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Here she is folks in all her glory, complete with wig, pajama bottoms, loafers, a blazer, and Jackie O sunglasses. What a sight!!!

MJ is turning 50 today, yes 50. He's 50. This pic was taking at Plant Hollywood, formerly The Aladdin Hotel, in Vegas the other day. He sure knows how to dress up for an event, he can party down and then fall asleep either in a booth, corner, floor, bathroom, or any other place he wants.

Such a sad case, I remember have posters on him on my wall, the single sequined gloves, then red leather jacket with all the zipper. It was so awesome. I also remember the photo in National Enquirer of him sleeping in the oxygen chamber only because instead of books I read that trashy tabs. My favorite was Bat Boy, he was in a different location every single week and I think he returned to the NYC Subway tunnels at least once every three months. What a guy.

Any way, He's 50!!!!

FROM THE TARA REID CLOTHING LINE

2008-08-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest piece from the Tara Reid clothing line called Mantra. I finally get the name. The clothing line is for Drag Queen. MANtra. Perfect Tara. Two thumbs up your ass.

On a serious note, who the fuck would allow someone to go out in public dressed like this. This is what London will do you folks. Do not ever go there. Trust me on this one. You find a really hot guy then when you get home you realize that he's been attacked by cheese and stinky cheese at that. Totally ruins your appetite and your vacation.

This is some bitch name Jodie Marsh looking all elegant and shit at some premier. I don't know what she does or how she got famous, but I dress like that all the time and you don't see me getting invited to any red carpet premieres or celebrity parties. The only thing I get invited to it McDonalds for a big mac and hand job under the table. Don't get me wrong those are just as fun.

A TARA REID CLOTHING LINE?

2008-08-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

First of fucking all, there are way to many "celebrity" clothing lines it's getting retarded. Not every single person needs a clothing line. I personally find it a bit ironic that someone like Tara Reid has started a clothing line because the bitch usually isn't wearing clothes.

Her clothing line is called Mantra. Whatever the fuck that shit means.

In my opinion her clothing line should be called " I had a promising career, then decided to spread my legs and let anything mount me while getting shit ass drunk everything single night, which quickly turned me into a laughing stock in Hollywood and soon after that I couldn't find anyone who wanted to hire me."

And those airbrushed/photoshopped pictures of her around the room do not fucking help to sell the clothes, they only thing those are good for are memories as she will NEVER look remotely close to those pictures again.

She totally fucked her career. See what alcohol will do kids. Now bring me a drink STAT!!!!

TWINKIE FIGHT

2008-08-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

You know this bitch got the black eye from a twinkie fight. TRUST. Here's the real story.

She had a bunch of her friends over to her London flat and after a night of dancing, doing lines of coke, purging on "crisps", and just having a hell of time everyone freaked the fuck out when Kelly realized that she only had one twinkie left in the box.

This threw the entire party into complete chaos as all of her friends forced her into a corner while she held onto the twinkie for dear life. She didn't want to let it go and had no idea what to do when all the sudden she tried to make a dive for it and ended up butting heads with another fat friend of hers causing her eye to blacken and her face to swell. Trust this, her face did swell, but due to her fatness you couldn't even tell.

I know twinkie fights happen, and not only in John Travolta and Crazy McBottom's bedroom usually those twinkie fights are over boys that just turned 18 the day before, just like turkey leg fights happen.

Any way. I hope her fat head is okay.

MEOW.......

2008-08-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

Grab the KY cause there's a new rumor floating around these parts saying that Cher is being considered to play Catwoman in the new Batman movie.

How many fucking Batman movies can there be? I have no desire to watch any of them, but I always end up doing so, usually while I am drinking with "friends" (friends meaning the pillows on my couch that now have faces due to my black sharpie. They are good friends, always listen to me and never talk back or question me) and giving myself a hand job after my hand falls asleep, seriously if you haven't do this DO IT NOW.

Cher may be rehearsing for the part already or at least one would think due to the picture above that has just very recently been released. It may or may not be for her Vegas show, but either way it looks like there was a pussy attacked and I am not talking about Paris Hilton on a Saturday night.

Why don't they have Jocelyn Wildenstein to play the part, she's already in character.

GRAB THE FRYING PAN

2008-08-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

........cause I am going smack this ass monkey upside the head. He left Drew Barrymore for that rehabbed vampire toothed skank. What the fuck is Hollywood coming too?

Any way here is the shit for brains Justin Long and Kirsten Dump, AKA Kiki, at Sunset Junction getting their drink and obviously their zip on. Look at that thing. I am sure it has it's own zip code, private jet, and condo in Malibu by now. He's just way too hot for her, granted he's kind of goofy, but a hot goofey in the way that Vince Vaughn isn't.

I hope he got her drunk, put it in her no-no hole, grabbed the money from her purse and got the fuck out there because I could not imagine waking up next to that thing in the morning. Like a nightmare come true.

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN

2008-08-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

For fucks sake dig a hole and bury this already. Here's the ever lovely Pam, who buy the way still does not know how to apply lip liner, promoting her craptastic new reality show on E! Entertainment in Australia.

This bitch looks rougher than Lindsey Lohan's bearded clam after her man whore Sam gets done eating from her seafood buffet. Now don't get me wrong Pam is an amazing actress just like Shauna Sand is naturally beautiful, but she needs new make-up people.

Is her make-up artist Stevie Wonder????

I've seen this bitch close up, like really close up, and she just looks used and abused. It may be the Hep C she has or it just may be because the bitch needs a nap and is malnourished from only eating lettuce leaves, blueberries, and walnuts.

Give her a sausage dog, remind her to EAT it and not fuck it, and show her to her room for a good nap, lord knows she needs one.

THE LUCKIEST TRASH BINS IN THE WORLD

2008-08-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for a new place to live and I think I have found it.

Either one of those trash bins. They have both been blessed from the heavens above and they are actually a perfect fit for me as all of the things I own can fit into a shoe box.

Maybe I can have a homeless guy weld them together using plastic bags, used condoms, and just pure elegance to form a mini trash bin mansion. One is the living quarters and one is bedroom.

Either way, those bins are now blessed as the always elegant Shauna Sand crossed their paths. I am almost sure that those two people died shortly after this picture was taken due to the overall elegance of what they had just saw. Why is this bitch not being carried? She's the closest thing to Jesus H. Christ that walks our land on a daily basis.

When I move onto the next life I was to be reincarnated as her toilet seat. That is pure elegance.

RIP Beach People.

PANTY LINER ELEGANCE

2008-08-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hee Haw, I mean Heide, shot a video for her new song "Overdosin" over the weekend and by the looks of this promo pic it was a complete 80's nightmare, complete with an elegant panty liner.

This shit's been done bitch. Does Olivia Newton John ring a bell? At least Olivia did it with class and didn't resort to using a panty liner for publicity, but she has real talent too and can actually sing.

After seeing this pic, I didn't want to have nightmares so I didn't watch the final video, I had three hopes that obviously didn't happen.

#1. She OD from all the hairspray that was used and ended up in a hairspray induced coma (It really can happen)

#2. One of the set lights fell from the ceiling and killed the bitch

#3 Someone flicked a ciggie near her and her hair went up in flames due to the overuse of hairspray.

By the way, Spencer, did her hair for the shoot, or so next weeks tabloids will lead you to believe. Staged photo shoots are fun ya'll.

Panty Liners Unite!!!

DID SHE BLEED TO DEATH?

2008-08-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite piss lover was rushed to the hospital in NYC last night after cutting her foot on a glass table in her hotel room. One person described the room as looking like a murder scene with blood from floor to ceiling. NO bitch that was ketchup from the dozen or so foot longs she picked up on the corner and hour later. There are several possible reasons why she cut her foot:

1. She was getting gang banged on the glass table by the dozen foot longs she bought and it broke

2. She was letting the hotel staff piss on her while she laid spread eagle on the table and it broke

3. In her mind she's petite and can sit anywhere, well no on this table. Her fat ass broke it.

4. It never fucking happened and was all for publicity as she is now a new "star" on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. She's a publicity whore and knows it.

I just hope the cut, if it really happened, is deep enough to where it will keep her off the streets for a few weeks that way my eyes refocus back to normal and leave the wide angle ass vision behind for a time.

TERMINATOR TERROR

2008-08-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my roids, this is a mess. If I was in the front row of this concert, or any concert of hers, I would want my money back because there would be no way I could focus on the show because my eyes would be focused on that bear trap like vagina of hers.

I love this pic because she looks like a lady with a calcium problem and is all hunched over and shit. Is it just me or is The Terminator starting to look her age?

Anyroid, here she is playing her first show of the new tour and looking like a Ukrainian female body builder while doing so. Is it that hard to take a day off once and while. I mean I take every single day off and I think I look great, grated no one would touch my body with a 10 foot pole as they could not get through the hair, cracker crumbs, food wrappers, and just over grossness to actually hit flesh and blood.

You know that if the people in the front row were not enjoying watching her Grandma vadge thrust in their faces she just open that trapped and sucked them up in it, only to dispose of them backstage. That vadge is like a giant black hole that eats anything around it.

THESE TWO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME

2008-08-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

Seriously if I saw them on the street I would turn around and run in the opposite direction while screaming like a 12 year old Jonas Bro fan. That's what the person behind them in the picture is doing.

First of all, what the fuck is with the sunglasses at night? This look does not work on any living person, brainwashed person, or robot.

2ndly, what the fuck is up with dressing the same? You know it's Crazy McBottom that does this. He probably tries on what she's planning on wearing, take a few pics of it for himself, then tries to match her outfit with clothes of his own.

Thirdly, The lifts in his shoes must be a good 6 inches. Like high heels for me. She towers over him and in this pic they are almost the same height.

She's so brainwashed she's beyond help and why do you never, ever see her parents around. Do you think Crazy McBottom banned them from seeing their daughter. Her parents have probably retired so they should have all the free time in the world right? Wrong, Crazy McBottom ran up behind them and held one of his used and abused party jockstraps to their faces until they passed out, then had them rolled up in an old rug and shipped off to a Sandals Resort until the brainwashing of their daughter was complete.

FREAKS

LolitaDonna

2008-08-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

Here's a little teaser from Madonna's upcoming "Shit & Piss" tour that kicks off today in some place called Cardiff, wherever the fuck that is. To me it sounds like and old fat ladies clothing store.

Yes she's great, yes she changed the face of music, yes she looks amazing for 50, yes she's ......... blah blah blah. I am not impressed anymore by her. 5 years ago I would of rolled in human feces for a chance to hang out with her, now not so much.

Plus this look is too Jon Benet for me. A 50 year old lolita. This look would be better on her daughter, who I hope does not follow in her mothers slutty footsteps, but chances are she will. What's classier than putting out a put called Sex that includes you in all kinds of sex poses with random men and woman? That's basically any given weekend for me.

If you decide to see The Terminator on tour this time around enjoy yourself and enjoy spending a couple hundred dollars for something that she's already done time and time again.

I gotta go to Costco.

WHO IS SHE?

2008-08-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

The Phoeb was out and about on Robertson yesterday doing a little shopping and posing. You know she called the paps herself and probably paid them to cause a scene and take her pics. I've tried to do this over and over again, but I can't seen to drum up enough interest, but then again I don't have the amazing acting credits as The Phoeb so it's understandable.

The Phoeb's party almost came crashing down when a group of tourists from Dubai had no idea who she was. She was obviously pissed when this happened and it was all caught on camera. Follow the Pissed link.

Let's look at some of her amazing credits.

* "Customer with car" in the pilot for the X-Files

* "Photographer" in an episode of Arli$$

* "Desginer" in Shoot Me 2

FUCK. Where is this bitch's Oscar. I can tell you as a true fan I have everything she has ever done on DVD and when I say on DVD, I mean just 1 DVD that runs for just over 7 minutes.

She's a fucking star Yo.

THAT'S ALL THEY WROTE?

2008-08-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

I could of come up with a few other words to describe this home wrecking whore bag. Her vag must be so wore out and tired, which is rather sad because she isn't even 25 years old yet.

That shits brick too and getting paint off of brick is harder than shit. Before I moved to my new cock roach/Mexican infested apartment in LA I was living in an apartment complex that was tagged on a regular basis, which would of been fine, but the places that were tagged were the brick areas. It seemed like that shit was being painted over every other day.

The best thing this bitch could do is just move the fuck out of the country. No one likes her ass as it's been reported that she's broken up several marriages. When the paps confronted her on the tagging she reportedly told them that she "was so scared about returning home"

Bitch please, the only thing you should really be scared of is the irate and crazy as fuck married woman coming after your ass. That's really scary, a little spray paint is nothing. Trust me, spray paint can be fun if you the paper bag you're huffing it out isn't too big. The bigger the bag the shorter the high. TRUST

BIG BIRDS LONG LOST TWIN

2008-08-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

What the fuck kind of outfit is this? Feathers, I mean seriously, feathers. You know by the end of the night those feathers were used, abused, and matted together like dreadlocks. Just another Bukkake party after a Hollywood premiere, usually these only involve Crazy McBottom, but he needs a rest every once in a while. Needs to rest the throat and clean out his eyes.

Here's the lead singer, or a singer, I am not too sure, from the girl group Danity Kane looking like Big Birds long lost twin sister. Her mom and dad must be so proud of her. Isn't she the one who got knocked up by Diddy, then had an abortion? Or am I thinking about someone else?

Any way she's pure class. The next Shauna Sand. Did she go to the Shuana Sand School for Skank? If so, sign this skank up. I already own a pair of lucite high heels.

TUNA CASSEROLE?

2008-08-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

Da Brat, who's been Miss Carey's scissor sister for years now, has just been sentenced to 3 years in prison for hitting some bitch upside the head with an empty rum bottle.

Her family was in court today when the judge slapped her wrist and told her to get ready for daily muff diving, which I am sure she won't have a problem with in the least.

Here's a sample menu of weekday meals.

Mon: Tuna Casserole

Tues: Beef Curtain Stir fry

Wed: Bearded Clams (Steamed and smothered in cream sauce) MUALGH

Thur: Tuna Tar Tar

Fri: Bald Beaver Pot Pie

Sounds great and you know she won't have a hard time eating any of it as it's placed directly on top of her face while she lays on her back in bed. A Squatted Meal is the technical term for that type of eating.

Enough, I am making myself sick.

HOLY RATS NEST BATMAN

2008-08-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

Comb that fucking hair and don't even try to blame that mess on the fact that you are riding down Sunset Blvd with the top down. Here's her Majesty with her hot ass body guard and rumored new lover going for a joy ride around town today. No particular place to go, so they just drove and drove and drove.

Hasn't she had little patch of acne on her chin/mouth/corner crack area for months now? At least since February after her 5150 spell.

**Ding ding**, I just figured out what her hair reminds me of. ME!!! Well at least the lower half of my body when I get lazy and decide not to trim my rain forest for a few months. Yes I turn into a Yeti down their, but it keeps me warm and gives me something to comb since my mom took away my collection of My Little Ponies, and No I don't mean my collection of Sara Jessica Parker pictures, I mean my actual collection of My Little Ponies. I must of had dozens of them and Care Bears too. My favorite was Champ.

Do the world a favor and put the top up the next time you're out for a joy ride. On that note, I am going to go comb.

HANG THE BITCH

2008-08-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

I am starting a petition to get this bitch hung by her stringy as fuck hair. A police officer in LA saw her toss her ciggy butt on the ground and rode his bike across to the street with the hopes of giving her a citation, but being the smooth talker that she is she was able to get of the ticket. After enjoying a nice lunch at P.F. Changs she was outside puffing on a cancer stick, why do people still smoke, then when she was finished she tossed it on the curb. As the police officer rode up to her he asked her to pick the butt up and toss it into the trash can that was next to her. She declined and instead was given a verbal warning and told that if he sees her doing it again she will be fined.

FUCK THAT. HANG THE BITCH. She's nothing special, after 4 1/2 minutes no one will care anymore.

I recently checked with several of my law enforcement friends, not really law enforcement friends, but instead friends who have fucked or are fucking police officers in Los Angeles and they told me that littering is a crime regardless of who you are. This police officer should be hung himself. LA has enough trash, Paris, Lindsey, Miley, etc...... I could go on for days, the last thing we need is the streets littered with more of it.

Either hang the bitch and get it over quick, or make her smoke a carton a day and have her die a slow and painful death. Your choice.

SPICE BABY

2008-08-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

The lesbian Spice Girl is knocked up according to her latest blog entry, but get this, she's not a lezzie licker and has been together with a MAN for the last several years. Who Knew!!!

She's the last spice on the rack to have a baby. Together the group has a total of like 23 kids or something, I don't really know to be honest and am just shit up. I know Posh and Becks have three, what a lucky bitch, not because she's been knocked up three times, but because she gets to ride that turkey jerky whenever she wants. I always carry a ball and gag with me just in case I run into him on the streets in LA, because you know I'd take it balls deep, but I don't want to hear that fucking voice of his. He needs a thicker cut, but it may be too late as the damage has already been done.

Any way 34 year old Sporty is going to be a mom ya'll, I guess that good news and all, but when is this baby invasion going to fucking stop. I must admit I am getting inspired by all these babies and am thinking about adopting a child myself. Not so much for love, but more as a maid/slave/personal assistant. I hate cleaning, hate getting dressed, and need someone to feed me. What's wrong with that?

DROWN THE BITCH

2008-08-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Here's everyone favorite vitamin beer drinking country bumkin lounging in a pool wearing her new trademark cowboy hat, cause she so country now. Apparently this bitch in on a mini vacation in Miami of all places. Where's Hurricane Fey when we need her, whip this bitch up in your winds and drop her ass out in the middle of the the Atlantic. Global Warming would not be a bad thing if this happened.

Roma Tomato was no where in sight, as he was probably calling his old flame Carrie Underwear. You know he still calls her, regardless of what the dumb slut about says.

Jessica "I am so Country" Simpson's former husband, Nick "Where's my Career" Lachey was also in the area at the same time and thank god they didn't run into each other. Chances are that wouldn't of happened anyway as he was staying at the airport Comfort Inn, while she was staying on at a Miami Beach hotel.

SHE WORKS TOO HARD FOR THE MONEY

2008-08-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

Sources say that the Big O and I do mean Big O, cause there isn't really anything small about her, is getting to fucking tired of posing for the photos that grave her magazine cover each month. She has apparently told the people behind her magazine that they have 6 months to figure out what the hell they are going to do.

Personally if I ruled the world like the Big O does I wouldn't be doing a god damn thing. I would have people feeding me Wendy's french fries on the left with someone else feeds me spoon after spoon of Wendy's frosty on the right.

How hard is it to really take these pictures. She gets out of bed, is carried down to a waiting limo, is carried into a studio when the limo arrives that photo shoot location, is feed turkey legs and lard directly from the can as someone applies her make-up and does her hair at the same time that she is having fat sucked out her ass, she sits there for one photo, and then is carried back to her limo and driven to one of her dozen or so houses around the world.

This bitch does not fucking walk, her feet have not touched the ground in years. She's like a black Jesus.

I don't believe this story for one second, only because you know that whatever pictures she takes are photo shopped to Uranus and back so I don't really think they take pictures of her anymore any way. They just create new pics of her by using the old pics.

Get me a frosty bitch.

SHE'S GOING TO BLOW

2008-08-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

About mother fucking time. This bitch has been pregnant for 516 days, 17 hours, 42 minutes, and 6 seconds according to my Knock-Up Gwen Clock that I purchased from your mama's ass.

Joking, your mama only sells homemade dream catchers and bottle cap jewerly.

Any way this bitch checked herself into Cedars Sinai Hospital in LA for a C-Section. Fuck that, this bitch just needs to fart and that baby will slid right out.

That kids going to come out walking and talking with a full head of hair and a couple teeth.

Up to the mother fucking Date: So she finally dropped her new son this afternoon, but the best thing about this news the the name. Caution: Please make sure you are sitting down........drum roll......

ZUMA NESTA ROCK........ What the fuck kind of name is that.

I am setting up, yet again, another fund for therapy, cause you know this kid is going to need it with a name like that. I am call CPA as we speak.

HOTTEST DICKS, I MEAN, ABS IN WHOREWOOD

2008-08-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

The folks at In Touch Magazine did a poll about who has the hottest abs in Whorewood. The list is below, starting with #10. Granted abs are nice, but I would like to rework the list and replace "abs" with "would you or would you not".

10. Matthew McConaughey (Only if he showered, but shower or no shower he probably has issues with getting it up due to all the pot that he smokes. I've been there and I know this.)

9. Zac Efron (Gotta get him out of Crazy McBottom's bed first)

8. Brody Jenner (NO, he reminds me of a hairy Ewoke)

7. Gavin Rossdale (Only if that anteater peter is clean, I am allergic to Cheese)

6. Ryan Sutter (The bod is hot, but the face looks too Downs for me)

5. Shemar Moore (I don't do Chocolate)

4. Hugh Jackman (If I can tear him away from his "wife")

3. Mario Lopez (Only after he cleans my house, mows my grass, and repairs my toilet)

2. Robert Buckley (I don't know who he is, but why the hell not I've done it before)

1. David Beckham (Yes, but this bitch cannot talk. I do not like Minnie Mouse.)

Oh hell who am I kidding, I do them all. Invite them over for a gang bang, Efron's bringing the Crisco.

SPAWN OF SATAN

2008-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

This bitch is knocked up for sure. Just look at that smile right? It's either from having a bun in the oven or she just gang banged by all the other players on her husbands basketball team. I am going with both.

Her fat boss on DH told the media a few weeks ago that she has been trying to get knocked up for a while and that if she does it will probably be written into the show. I tell you 2008 is the year of the baby. You hear that China, change your calendars already.

I think this baby is going to be ugly as fuck. She looks like a Mexican field mouse, and he looks like hairy French turd. He is not good looking in any way, shape, or form, except for his bank account. I could deal with the Frenchness for a few million. I bet he fucks while eating a croissant and sipping a cappuccino.

She she carrying the baby in her belly or her chin? You be the judge.

DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS BTICH

2008-08-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

This hot ass bitch is my hero. She's several hundred years old and still knows how to use a gun and when a 17 year old convict broke into her house she did just that. When she heard him her house she got her ass right, walked right past him and into her bedroom where she grabbed the gun that she keeps with her and basically threatened to the blow the kids brains out. She made him back into a corner and call 911 while holding him at gun point. HOT BITCH.

The kid called 911 and told them that some crazy ass grandma was holding him at gunpoint and that they needed to get over to the house right away. When they arrived granny turned him over the popo's and that was that. This bitch rules.

Granny had been keeping a gun close to her at all times due to the recent rash of residential break ins in the area. Her neighbors house was broken into a couple weeks before this and she wanted to be safe. She is hoping that she has not broken up the ring of break ins and everyone can get to their normal lives.

Give this granny a key to the city, a lifetime supply of polident, and some depends. This bitch is a hero.

SOME MISTAKES?

2008-08-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Meg Ryan, AKA Fish Lip Fuck Up, has admitted that she made a some mistakes in the early 2000's. For example, she left her husband, the hot ass Dennis Quaid, for the fat fuck Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe??? Mualgh. He reminds me of one of those really mean fuckers at the bathhouse that just slams it in really quick and fucks for like two seconds because they angry at the world....... Not that I have any experience in this, I am just saying. Plus this guy looks like a fucking hippo with no neck, short stubby limbs, and a face only the Wino's mother could love and that ain't saying much.

She said she ended it with Russell because she didn't think it was right. I say the reason she ended it with him was because the movie they both stared in and started fucking in was a complete and udder shit bomb. Similar in size, color, and odor to the one that I personally just produced.

I personally could not imagine going from the hotness that is Dennis Quaid to the Barnyard that is Russell Crowe. It obviously affected her, just look at the picture above.

Her mistakes are as follows:

*She has more body glitter on that a Thai Tranny Hooker.

*Her lips look like a wore out O ring.

*Her face has more crisco on it than Crazy McBottom's ass.

All of the above can be fixed, but she may need therapy and some good old electro shock to get over her barnyard animal obsession fucking. That shit will fuck you up.

PORN STAR BEER?

2008-08-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

Since when did Jenna Jameson get into promoting beer? Okay, so this is not JJ, but rather the bible thumping good girl Jessica Simpson, Yes that Jessica Simpson who grew up singing in church.

Now this may or may not be a smart move. In exchange for being the "face" of Stampede Beer she's getting a 15% stake in the company. Sounds good right? Wrong, because when no one buys it, and you know they won't, the company is going to go under quicker than Papa Joe does when his daughters are wearing skirts. "Oh I dropped my pen" Papa says when there is no pen in sight, but yet he hits the floor as he looks up towards the ceiling trying to sneak a peak at his daughters beef curtains.

Does anyone care about this bitch anymore? NO FUCKING WAY.

Stampede Beer is infused with Vitamins to help you live a longer life. Please Vitamins in beer. Who's the fucking genius that thought of this? People who drink beer do not want to have vitamins in it and why the fuck does she look like a porn star who's been sucking dick for that last 12 hours in the ad. That picture is not hot. She's like the town whore that fucks in the back of her dads truck on bails of hay while using saran wrap and tortillas for protection. Don't ask!!!

Any way, Drink up, cause there's nothing like vitamins in beer. SICK BITCH.

THIS IS A MISPRINT RIGHT?

2008-08-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

Following in the foot steps of another power bottom fister Mr. Martin is now the proud papa of twin boy born via a turkey baster and petrie dish, AKA, a surrogate mother. Gay, Gay, Gay, but good for him.

When I first read the headline my immediate though was. Can you fertilize a turd now? I did a little research and took a couple tests and found out that No you can't fertilize a turd yet, but leave up to science and those Koreans and before you know it we will be able too.

The spokeswhore for Mr. Martin released the following statement this morning.

"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full time care. Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children"

Alright, hasn't he been out of the spotlight for years now anyway, at least since 1999 when he won that Grammy and Madonna gushed over him at the awards. He did live La Vida Loca and Shake His Bon Bon for a couple months, but then poof he vanished quicker than a dick does down Paris's throat.

The babies were born a few weeks ago. 2008 is the year of the baby. Time to change your calendar China. Congrats to Ricky and the kids.

Shouldn't the sash he's wearing about read "King of the Penis"?

AIRPORT RUN IT

2008-08-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday during my retarded layover in Denver I was browsing the local Hudson News store looking for something to steal, I mean purchase when out of the corner of my eye I spotted this crazy as fuck Asian bitch standing next to me. To my surprise it was Bai Ling, yes the crazy bitch above smelling her fingers. And she doesn't need to ask nor tell anyone because we all know that Asian tang smells like fish, just like any finger or object stuck up John Travolta or Crazy Mcbottom's ass will come out smelling like Crisco, latex, and day old semen.

I did a double take of this bitch because I didn't know if she was going to grab something and run or try to karate chop my ass. I say karate chop my ass not because she's Asian, but because she had those crazy eyes that only genuinely crazy people have. Big bug eyes with the left one turning in a little bit. She was dressed like her usual skank self. Basically a black tub top/sports bra type of shirt to show her belly off, which looked great by the way, nothing that I am into, but it did look good, and low cut army pants that actually showed off about an inch of her ass crack, no joke. I saw Asain crack last night, but it didn't get me stoned like I thought it would. For some reason everyone thought it was odd that I placed my nose right on her ass and took a giant snort, everyone except her.

Our eye locked for a few seconds then I ran off screaming like a 10 year old girl obsessed with the Jonas Bros. This bitch is that scary, yes indeed.

After that I grabbed some fries from McDonalds and a pretzel from Auntie Annies then plopped my ass in a seat and waited to board my flight. Good Times in Denver.

Smell my finger!!!

SAY GOODBYE TO CHEETOS

2008-08-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

H to the motherfucking ARK I am back. I tried my best to posted as much as I could while out on my whirlwind trip to NYC, but could not find a single minute yesterday as I was having all kinds of fucking drama at the airport, but more of that later on.

You better stock up on Cheetos right now because before you know the Cheeto Kingdom will be going under. Yes you read right, Cheetos will no longer exist. Why you ask? Well Brit Brit, or 5150, recently gave and interview saying that her former tank ass has given them up, which means they are going under as she was the only person keeping them afloat. Consuming several dozen bags a day, as she did, keep the company going and now they are losing their #1 customer. Sad sad day in the world of Cheetos. Expect news about the company going under very soon.

5150 says that she is now living a healthier lifestyle and has cut out sugar while increasing her work out routines. When the fuck did smoking become healthy? This bitch smokes more cigs than Crazy McBottom takes cock.

5150 now sticks to a chicken, rice, avocado, egg white, turkey burger, etc.... diet, with a side of cocaine, daily jello shots, and diet pills. Okay not the last part, but you know this crazy bitch is not just consuming the above list. She probably has a mini fridge hidden in the back of her closet that full of whip cream, Little Debbie snack cakes, bacon, and can after can of soda.

She claims to only eat 1200 calories, I eat that before 10am each day, per day and according to her that is a lot of food because she eats only healthy things now, like cigs.

Granted she does look better in a bikini that she did a few months ago, but smoking is not a healthy lifestyle, just ask Debbie with the hole in her throat. Do you remember her? I loved that bitch and even dressed up as her for Halloween once. I loved those commercials with her even more than I love myself and that shit is a lot. Trust a bitch.

There's a great pic of 5150's weave above. Will someone buy this bitch a comb already?

HAPPY BIRFDAY

2008-08-18T09:18:00.001-07:00

The Terminator celebrated her 50th Bday, while her Vag celebrated it's 120th. That vag has been used and abused and ages in dog years you know, or is that cat years. I am not sure, either way it's old, black, sticky, and shriveled like a prune.

I know what I am buying for her. A long sleeve fucking shirt. Cover those fucking arms you're scaring the locals. And while you're at cover that mug of yours too, it's not doing you any favors either.

Poor Guy, you know he doesn't really want to be there only because she probably rides his cock until it falls off or at least is covered in blisters every single chance she gets. He's happy for the first few minutes but once that bear traps latches on there's no letting go until she's satisfied and that can take forever. Trust this, she never gives up or takes a day off. Example! After her night of partying she was up bright and early and on her way to the gym.

Please bitch, take a day off. I do not go the gym, not a shocker to anyone, but rather I work out through Madge herself. I just look at pictures of her steroid arms and imagine myself looking like that. Kind of like the book The Secret where it preaches that you can have whatever you're heart desires if you just think about it. WRONG. I've been thinking about how awesome it would be if the owner of the ring ding and snoball kingdom died and left the factories to me, that shit hasn't happened.

Imagine swimming around in marshmallow fluff all day long, snorting it like it was coke, using it as lube....... Good Times.

Time to get my ass on this flight.

SERIOUSLY?

2008-08-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Sunglasses at night? Give me a fucking break. These two are fucking retarded. The lovely lickers had a date night on Saturday evening where they caught the horrible movie Tropic Thunder. I haven't seen the movie, but hate Ben Stiller so the movie it horrible, end of story.

Sam is looking kinda hot in the pic on the right. Like a hot 20 something year old boy trying to be Whorewood cool. Like when you are at a party and you see someone you think is really hot across the room, but when you finally make your way over to them you realized that that person is of the opposite sex of you and it completely ruins your night.

Apparently after the movie these two were accosted by the paps and one asked them to hold hands and kiss for the camera and then all hell broke loose. Lohan went ape shit, like I do when my corner liquor store is out of the pony kegs of Paps Blue Ribbon, and pulled her hood over her face and started screaming. I personally feel that this question should be asked each and every time she's out in public, because, I am sure you will all agree with me, that she looks best with her face covered. No one wants to see a coke whore with a leather glove for a face roaming the streets after dark.

And seriously what the fuck are up with the glasses at night? Get a fucking life.

COVER YOUR EYES!!!

2008-08-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

Here's the Wino trying to scare the crowd more than she already has by lifting her skirt up a bit as she continues to travel around the world and give shitty performances. Why do people keeping booking her? Granted she does have some talent and I admit I do really enjoy her Rehab song, as it reminds me of myself in a way, but my addiction is not drugs or alcohol (at least not yet) but rather butt plugs and crisco? Anyone else suffering from the same addiction? Maybe we start a support group? Support my balls while I insert my new plug?

You know that pussy is tore the fuck up, like an old cat scratching post with pieces of carpet hanging hanging here and there, a few bald spots, and some old finger and toes nails caught up in the fabric. Kind of like Wino's face I guess. That face is the face only a mother could love, but obviously she doesn't as she continues to let the bitch go down quicker than Michael Jackson in a locker room at an all male private school.

You know that pussy of hers squirts that eye burning liquid like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. Yikes, that poor front row.

I do not, I repeat do not want to see that bitches beef curtains or bearded clam, which ever you prefer. Keep it covered and get the fuck off the stage until you get your shit together.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ALMA AWARDS?

2008-08-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Here's the ugly mexican bitch at the ALMA Awards over the weekend. Just what in the fuckity fuck are ALMA Awards anyway? I immediately think of the movie Sister Act when I hear the word Alma. Why you ask? It's simple. When Whoopie takes over the choir and that old moth ball who plays the piano can't hear what she's saying o the Whoop has to stomp her foot on the ground to get her attention. Well that old moth balls name in the movie is Alma.

I love that movie and I watch it each and every time it's on the TV, which is at least twice a day, every day. It's classic.

The only award that America, don't get me started on the name, would win in my book is the "Put A Bag Over My Face Award", this bitch is dog shit ugly and look how she's standing in that pic too. Reminds me of when a girl won't sit on a toilet seat so they just spread their legs and let it dribble down, before shaking it dry. Either that or she has a really, really bad case of hemmroids and has to stand wide legged with her feet turned in to cool off her ring of fire.

I am going with the latter of the two.

HARK. LISTEN UP

2008-08-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Listen up bitches, all 3 of you, when in the fuck am I going to get more readers? Any way, Monday and Tuesdays posting are going to be a bit off as I am traveling from the west coast to the east coast and spending a total of 16 hours on the ground in NYC.

Don't ask me what the fuck I am doing. I am not paying for the trip so I can care less, as long as there isn't some screaming kid on the plane.

I have a layover both coming and going and I will try my best to update in between flights.

Again, keep it tight and wet until I return. Jesus loves you!!!!

HARK

OH MY TITS.

2008-08-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

Oh those poor kids of hers. I am setting up a fund right now on their behalf because you know that those two are going to be or are already traumatized by having their faces shoved in the middle of those scary as fuck things. Her tits are scarier than Joan Rivers face and that shit is fucked up.

I seriously stared at this picture for a good 12 minutes before I started posting for the day. I just don't get it. She's has enough money to have those things fixed. One looks like it melted due to the heat or is about to explode, while the other is falling quicker than the left side of a stroke victims face.

And what's with that dent? That has to be caused by the hardening of those implants. Look at the ripples on the right one.

If those tits look like that I can't imagine what those nipples look like. Pancake Areola's anyone?

ANGRY LESBIAN....RUN!!!!!

2008-08-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

This Samantha bitch is a hard ass. I mean look at that scowl, she's so angry and rebellious. Totally going against the grain. Oh, I am trembling.

She reminds me of that dumb ass, me, who thought they were such a hard ass mother fucker in High School that they flipped the bird in the class photo each year and then got noon dentition. Isn't her "I am an angry little lesbian rocker" look a little old? She just turned 31 for christ sake. I look like this in every single picture taken in and around High School.

Any way, hers her money mama and her posing for some picture while she pretends to "DJ", seriously have you had the chance to hear her? If so, then you know what I am talking about. It's like two old, diseased stray cats howling in a dark alley in downtown LA around midnight or so. Seriously there's no talent there.

She's retarded.

SAVE HER!!!

2008-08-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am not talking about Wino, but the girl she's with. Wino, to no one's surprise, decided that she would take her 12 or so year old god daughter out to the local pub for a few drinks. YES, a few drinks at 12 years old. Seriously.

This girl is fucked. Time to call for backup and I am not joking. The poor girl is already a bit lost and is also wearing a pair Wino slippers, hopefully without the blood, shit, and barf stains. Does anyone know the number to CPS in the UK? I feel like calling for some reason, but don't really want to waste my time. She's already a lost cause.

You just know that Wino got shit ass drunk, snorted a few lines of coke off the back of a toilet, cut her arms a few times, then made her way back home leaving the 12 year old to fend for herself. That actually sounds like a good time, I could of used a few toilet bumps, I am talking about coke, this weekend. I am sure it would of helped me deal with my inbreed family a bit better. I guess I really have no room to talk about his kid, as I was stealing cigs from my friends mom at 11 so..........

TWO HOT POCKETS GOT MARRIED

2008-08-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Konichiwa Bitches. I am back. At least for now, but that story is on the way.

Big Big Big news in the Giant Pussy world. Two of the worlds most famous muff divers bumped kittens over the weekend and made it legal. Hopefully, fingers and pussies crossed, they will make it and prove all those close minded fuckers wrong. But we have to remember that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

I personally think it's great that California, as fucked up as it is, is breaking out of the box (no pun intended) and allowing everyone to be treated equally when it comes to marriage, but enough of this sentimental shit right? Let's talk some shit.

Muff Diver 1 and Muff Diver 2 only married in front of 19 or so people, which comes a surprise to most of us as Muff Diver 1 has been bragging about and dropping hints about how this wedding was going to be off the fucking hook with strippers, strap ons, ball gags, and anal beads. Maybe not the last part, but imagine how fun that wedding would be. They both wore Zac Posen clothing, and when I say clothing I mean Muff 1 wore the lesbian power suit while Muff 2 took on the lipstick lesbian role and dressed in full fairy princess garb.

Congrats to the happy hot pockets. Much love, lube, and latex fists.

FREEZE FRAME

2008-08-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone, I mean all 3 of you, this weekend has been crazy. I have returned home yet again and have tons and tons of out of state family in town. Posts prob won't return to normal until Sunday evening or so, after I get home from getting on my knees for Jesus.

Keep it tight and clean for me until I return.

HARK.

THE LATEST IN WAL-MART FASHION

2008-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

She's at it again folks. This time The Phoeb, I know it's spelled wrong but that's how I refer to her, called the paps and asked them to me her in the employee break room at the local Wal-Mart so she could show off the latest designs in combo locks. This bitch gets all the good gigs.

Seriously take a look at the first picture. Her "jewelry" looks like that combo lock on the locker behind her. You know that her locker, there is no denying it. How can people get anything when they are around her. It's like Jesus took a dump from about and this angle fell to earth from the heavens above.

Here's she is stopping traffic outside of Denny's. They were out of chicken breasts so they called her up and asked if they could borrow her cheeks for they. JOKING. She's such a giver.

I don't really know what she's doing on that catwalk, nor does anyone else as no one is taking pictures or even paying attention to her. My favorite part of the pic is the two illegals on the right hand side. You know they are just looking for something to steal or their next baby's daddy. Anchor Babies Away!!!

GLAMOUR DISASTER

2008-08-14T09:40:00.001-07:00

Did someone get their lips done? She probably got both sets plumped up. I can only imagine how bloated and swollen her vaggy vag is. Like Oprah after a night of binge eating on Marie Callender's Pies. Don't get me started on those. Sometimes I buy two or three and just eat them throughout the whole day. I don't even cut slices, just eat them right out of the containers that they come in. I am such a whore.

What is this bitch doing out so soon after having her boobs and face worked on? I would be taking advantage of the recovery and have people surrounding me feeding me grapes, massaging my feet, combing my hair, and signing Church Hymns.

Especially that song by Khia called "My Neck, My Back" The Dirty Version.

"My Neck, My Back, Lick My Pussy and My Crack" That song always brings me closer to the lord above Mr. Jesus H. Christ. Holla!!!

Back to fish lips, I get so easily distracted. Who the fuck needs that much shit from Kitson? Please, this is for a photo op only, I am sure she drove her ass around the block and took everything back inside the rear door. I mean how many dresses can her husband wear in a year?

KANYE WHO?

2008-08-14T09:30:00.001-07:00

This is suppose to be Kayne West out and about in Los Angeles yesterday. I have a hard time believing this as this guy resembles the homeless black man that I always see pissing on the telephone pole in the alley behind my house in between dumpster diving. This is no joke, this guy finds so many treasures in those dumpsters. One time he found a bike with no wheels and from the sound of things when he found it one would think it was the best day of this homeless life so far. Of course I had to get my ass off the couch and pause Rock of Love to check out the action. Once I made it out to the alley he was walking around with the wheelless bike over his head like he had just won an Olympic Gold for dumpster diving. When I saw him the next day the bike was gone, so who knows what happened to tit (it's a keeper).

I seriously think this may be him, if not they are related. You'd be really surprised how clean most homeless people are. Granted I would not wear white on the streets of LA if I was homeless, but to each their own right?

Let's do the homeless breakdown.

Backpack (Check)

Plastic Bags (Check)

Unshaven (Check)

Layers and Layers of clothes on a 100 degree day (Check)

Standing in from of a retard sign (Check)

Alright everyone, I think we got a homeless ho on our hands.

P.S. Don't ever give the so called homeless people money on Venice Beach. They are loaded as fuck, just like the street kids of Portland Oregon who are rebelling against their rich as fuck parents so they spend all day downtown doing drugs before jumping into the Audi's or BMW's and heading home.

TIME TO TURN THE HEAT UP

2008-08-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

A new wax statue was put on display recently resembling everyone's favorite frozen face Nicole Kidman. It's hard to tell the difference if you ask me as they are both, the original and wax version, frozen faced and cold, with 0 personality.

I saw we put them both in a room and turn the heat up to around 150 degrees and see what happens. You know for a fact that both would probably melt or at least get soft and mushy like Kirstie Alley or Oprah.

If you don't want to give your kids nightmares for life keep them away from this wax bitch.

DUCK AND COVER!!!

2008-08-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

This closely resembles what took me close to 20 minutes to unload this morning as I was typing the first post of the day. Think about it people.

A survey was done in the U to the K asking ladies and gents what person do they have nightmares about the most. Of course, everyone's favorite crackhead topped the list this year bumping Marilyn Manson, who really isn't that scary if you ask me. His act got tired a long, long, long time ago. If he was so hardcore as he claims to be he'd be dead by now.

The list is as follows:

1. Wino

2. Marilyn Mason

3. Gordon Brown (WHO?)

4. Pete Doherty (He molests cats)

5. The Cheeky Girls (WHO, WHO, and WHO)

6. Simon Cowel/Kerry Katona

7. Cherie Blair (This bitch is scary, she looks a crackhead muppet that will cut you for meth)

8. Jodie Marsh (Wrong, How can perfection be scary?)

9. Heather Mills (Fuck Yeah. She will beat you with her peg leg)

10. Alistar Darling (Again WHO?)

Trust this about Heather Mills. I have a friend who works on Dancing with The Stars and said she was an insane bitch who had all these special food requests and shit, cause she don't eat meat or animal products. Whatever. My thoughts on the issue. If she wanted special food she should of carried it in her hollowed out peg leg. RIGHT?

GET A REAL JOB

2008-08-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Now that Jamie Lynn Spears popped that kid out of her vag there's all kinds of rumors going around that her boy toy has been cheating on her ass. Do you blame him? He knocked up a Spears and they are crazy as fuck.

This bitch above, a cross between Cameron Diaz and a Tranny Hooker on Santa Monica Blvd after 2am, is claiming that she bumped uglies, and I do mean uglies, with JL's baby daddy. They apparently met at a party and she could immediately tell there were sparks between the two. No Bitch, the sparks came from the meth that you just cut up on the back of the toilet.

After a couple days they started hanging out and just kissing a few times. RIGHT. Like a teenage boy would just kiss. Trust me on this one, I've been a teenage boy and teenage boys fuck everything, from pillows to watermelons, to frozen chickens, not that I know from experience or anything. Back to the story.

So after a while they started doing the dirty deed, he would pick her up and they would go back to his place or they would just fuck in the car like classy white trash does. Apparently she broke it off a couple months after JL announced to the world that she was another statistic.

This bitch needs to put a bag over her head and go away.

SUE THE BITCH

2008-08-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

America's favorite fuckstain, yes fuckstain, has just been sued for not fulfilling her part of a contract to promote some cheap ass National Lampoon movie she ruined. Apparently she was paid 1 million clams to appear in them movie, as well as to promote it. Well according to some old guys who filed the suit she never helped to promote the flick and instead sucked dick in some dark alley. Okay, Okay, Okay she didn't suck dick instead of promote of the movie.

Here's my take. First of all they are suing her for only $75,000, which means that they were pissed off because she didn't actually swallow like they had heard she always does. Trust me she always swallows, she's the kind of girl, and I know a few, who just don't care and would rather swallow a hot load of fun then actually eat a meal. Those are the true sluts.

Anyway, shouldn't the producers of the movie be suing themselves for actually agreeing to cast her? It's their fault that they movie bombed, not hers. Even is she did help to promote it people still would not of flocked to the theater to see it.

Here she is infecting that hot ass pink couch with her pussy syrup.

MUALGH with a little HARK dust thrown in the mix.

WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY

2008-08-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

Lose the fucking hats, your kids look like Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee. Oompa fucking Loompa...... wrong movie, but you get the idea right?

I have to admit I am impressed that she's getting her shit together, but this picture does freak out a bit. Look at how her hand is on that kids head, it looks like she's going to have a 5150 freak out and tear his head off, then use it for an ashtray or toilet.

And who the fuck does her hair. I could do a better job than that. I grew up with Troll dolls, not the Olsens, but that actual troll dolls. God Damn those things were awesome. I remember I was staying at my friends house and he tricked me into jumping on his trampoline naked by saying that he would give one of those giant Troll dolls, of course, being the dumb ass troll obsessed little trampoline slut I was I jumped right up there, stripped down and exposed my magic bits while jumping up and down and doing straddle jumps in the air. Needless to say I never go the troll doll, but eventually stole a couple from him after asking my mom what I should do about it.

Moms are full of good advice.

Is Micheal Phelps retarded? Discuss

A VISION FROM GOD.

2008-08-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

You don't see her out and about much, but when you do she's a site to be seen. For those who do not know who Angelyne is, here's a little background info on the hottest thing since sliced bread.

There are tons of rumors about her but I am going to tell you my favorite one. She lives in LA, drives a pink corvette, married some rich dude, and rose to fame in the 80's and 90's by buying billboards on herself all over the LA area. She would pose in the pics with her tits hanging out, etc...... eating on a banana, etc.....

She claims she's ONLY 44, I think not, maybe her tits are 44, but her body isn't.

I hope she's wearing underwear, cause if she ain't I can see Grandma snatch.

THE RICH GET RICHER

2008-08-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Here's my favorite Whoopie and the only lady on the view that doesn't drive me bat shit crazy. I always knew she was hardcore, but Reds. I mean damn, those things will tear you the fuck up. I smoked reds for a few months in High School, trying to prove to everyone that I was a bad ass and could deal with anything. I carried my pack around with me and made sure everyone saw them. In between breaks I would go to the smokers corner, yes my High School actually has a smoking area on campus, odd I know, and light one up, take a few drags, then flick at the ugliest person in the area before taking off for class.

Little did they know that the bad ass who smoked reds hacked up their lungs each and every night while trying to fall asleep. Such a bad ass.

Also, take a look at what the Whoop has in her hands, Scratchers!!!! That's my girl, I buy those things left and right after my Grandma won $5000 on one. Trust me the turn around is not good, I am sure I have spent close to 10K and won close to $100 bucks.

Good Times though, nothing like wasting money on paper.

I LOVE THESE GAMES.

2008-08-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

I live for games like this. Spot the Tard is the name of this one. Here's the Jonas Bro's on TRL yesterday where they mingled with the crowd of teenage girls who mostly just sat around screaming, crying, and pissing themselves.

This game is not a hard one. The tard is in the front row, right hand side, between the red shirt and jacket wearing brother. Don't ask me to identify them by name cause I don't give a fuck. Her shoulder is exposed and she has a giant hole in the knee of her jeans.

The second part of the game is the guess what kind of tard she is.

Since ugly is not a disability, in my mind it is, but I choose to think outside the box, that one can be ruled out.

I would say a mix between Downs and Dropping Syndrome, which means that she was dropped on her head one to many times as a child.

Is there an Olsen in the pic too? The girl on the far left, bottom row, looks like a crying Olsen to me or Mischa Fartone, the DUI getting bitch from the craptastic show called the OC.

IS THE CIRCUS IN TOWN?

2008-08-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

Here's Crazy McBottom with his Robot/Contract wife at the premier of Tropic Thunder last night. First of all I am not seeing this movie as I cannot stand Ben Stiller, he bugs the fuck out of me.

McBottom is trying to look about 20 years younger with the fitted jeans and white sneakers. He's working on getting Zac Efron and all of his smooth bodied in bed. Trust this. I've heard stories.

And here's one for your enjoyment. A few years back, when these two crazy as fuck douchebags started "bumping uglies", you know they really don't unless she straps one on, a little bird whispered in my ear and told me that his people had created a list of potential wives for him and he was set up in dates with all of them for publicity purposes only. Apparently Kaite Holmes was like 6th or 7th on the list, the list was all actresses in their early or mid 20's, but she really didn't have anything else going on and agreed to be part of the relationship, AKA contract. From what I was told, and this person would have all the informed trust me, the marriage is suppose to last for a handful of years and produce 2 children. For each year and each child they have she is paid a certain dollar amount.

I can totally see this being true. My friend also told me that Crazy McBottom has several "parties" all around Los Angeles, with most parties consisting of younger gentleman. Imagine that.

Their body language basically says it all, look at any picture of them, they are like oil and water, they just don't mix and if you're lucky enough to get them to mix, they will quickly separate.

A PICTURE'S WORTH A 1000 WORDS.

2008-08-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

Seriously!!! This is what's running our country. I moving to Canada.

Also, take a good look at his daughters hand. It looks like she is pretending to shoot herself in her head with a finger gun. I don't blame her, I would of done this years and years ago. 09 cannot get here fast enough.

SHE'S NEVER LOOKED BETTER?

2008-08-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

Here's Brooke Hogan trying to get some publicity for her retarded as shit reality show, which you can totally tell is scripted. Don't get me started, seriously, don't get me started.

Apparently she sent these pics out herself, then wrote a letter to all the bloggers on her Myspace page saying that she tricked them, and that they are suckers, etc.......

No Brooke. The only person who has been tricked is you and that came from God. He tricked you into thinking you were a female, when your clit is probably larger than most Asian cock.

God is good at doing this shit, I mean look how fucked up her family is.

Gotta Ya Bitch

KIRSTIE ALLEY?

2008-08-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

NO it's not Krisite Alley, but pretty damn close. I tricked your ass for a second, admit it. All thats missing is a scowl on his face and a crazy as fuck Scientology brain.

This fucking tank ass is close to 700 pounds and he finally left the house for the third time in six years with the help of a fork lift. A FORK LIFT. Oh shit, that is rich. Could you imagine taking your daily stroll to the corner liquor store, at least in my case, and seeing this coming down the road on a forklift. Reminds me of when they truck beached whales through town and they eventually explode due to heat.

At least he's getting out thought. He has a girlfriend as well, hopefully for her sake she's always on top. They don't really do the dirty bird deed, unless you call cleaning his bed sores and dingleberries for him the dirty deed.

The first pic is of him scrambling eggs for breakfast. NO. He's "exercising".

THIS BITCH CAN READ?

2008-08-11T09:30:00.001-07:00

Give me a fucking break. These bitches can only read fast food menus and prescription medication bottles.

Maybe if she didn't allow her daughter to dress like a complete fucking whorebag when she was 16 she may of turned out differently. The poor girl was on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine dressed in panties and a bra. I wonder how many loads were shot over cover?

And obviously she wasn't around to teach her youngest about the birds and the bees, instead she let her follow in the amazing footsteps of her fast food, 5150 crazy as fuck, older sister. Knocked up at 16 and living the white trash life at Wal-Mart.

The older brother seems to be on the only sane one for now, but I am sure, with fingers crossed, that some crazy shit will come out on him. Hopefully it has something to do with farm animals, crisco, and nipple clamps. If that's the case then the Spears Family would be complete.

Crazy Dad (Check)

Useless Mom (Check)

Pervert Farm Animal Fucking Older Brother (Check)

5150 Crazy As Fuck Middle Child (Check)

16 Year Old Pregnant Younger Sister (Check)

That ladies and gentleman is the American Dream.

R.I.P. X 2

2008-08-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

I had heard a little about this over the weekend, but was too consumed with the family events to really sit down and take a look. SO SHOCKING.

Both were so young. This is truly shocking. No words.

THOSE ARE EYEBROWS RIGHT?

2008-08-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Jello Shots and Vicodin, sorry that's what my weekend consisted of. Yes the wedding was great, I survived, drank enough Bud Light W/Lime (which was actually good and I don't really like white trash beer) to get the entire bridal party drunk (All 12 of them), and had a good laugh at the expense of other people.

Alright, HARK, on ward my sluts. Here's a pic of the one of the classiest bitches around these parts. Now I am not sure what is going on above her eyes, but I think those are her eyebrows. I cannot confirm this, nor do I want too for fear of being devoured like a honey baked ham at Thanksgiving.

Time to talk shit. Oh it feel good to be alive. It looks like a caterpillar pooped on her faced and then a slug drug it's lard ass across her face and smeared that shit it. All of my Asian relatives have had their eyebrows tattooed on. It's looks fucking terrible, cause the sun eventually turns the black ink blue and who the fuck wants smurf eyebrows.

Liza with a Z was performing somewhere, but I am sure no one paid attention to her rambling rendition of "Shahair Hoever Za Wainbrow" as they were waiting for her amazing caterpillar eyebrows to turn into amazing Monarch Butterfly's.

MEN OF THE WORLD GET READY?

2008-08-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Because Shauna Sands Lorenzo Lamas Beauty God Like Saint is officially available. I will now give you a few minutes to catch you breath and figure out how to get your asses out to the streets of Beverly Hills to find her.

Please take note: I have saw her working on several corners in Beverly Hills, usually around the Little Santa Monica Blvd, around Rodeo Drive and Bedford.

You can bet you sweet ass after the wedding I am going to tomorrow I am jumping on the first form of transportation available and heading to Bev Hills to find my future baby mama.

She's elegant and beautiful and soon to be mine. I am bringing a knife with me so if you try to fuck things up for me, expect to be cut and cut deep.

HE'S A WHAT?

2008-08-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Clay "Do Me Daddy" Aiken has become a father for the first time. He knocked up, using the help of a turkey baster, a 50 year old producer who has worked on several of his amazing albums. God listens to his music you know. He's like an angel, full of fairy dust and a halo around his ass.

Any way, I think it's great. Why the hell not. This picture was taking in the hospital room during the celebration, the odd thing is it was just him and several hairy leather clad men and it wasn't so much a hospital room as a sex dungeon in the basement of his house.

Oh well, any celebration is a good celebration.

BURN THOSE CLOTHES

2008-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Heidi Fleiss has come out with her own clothing line called Heidi Wear. The line consists of classy sweat pants, sweatshirts, jeans, and other shit. Each items includes several small pockets to store small mirrors and little baggies of cocaine, crack, or weed. One pocket fits everything.

Heres the brains and beauty behind Heidi Wear, which I personally think is a strange name, because as a whore you don't wear clothes often. Fashion and clothing seems like such an odd business venture for her.

If I ever bought anything from her line I would immediately rush the post office, box it up, and send to directly to the creator and founder of the company. Included would be note reading:

"Do the world a favor and use these sweatpants to cover your ugly as fuck joker like face."

It might be me, but doesn't it look like her top lip has ate her bottom lip in this picture? Beauty in the Raw!!!

PHOTOSHOP WORKS YA'LL

2008-08-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

More evidence that yes indeed photoshop can really work wonders. Here's a pic of Britney and Jamie Lynn celebrating on Christmas morning back in Louisiana.

All they asked for was a super sized bag of cheetos. All they need to do for dipping sauce is just spread their legs, I am sure there's enough cheese, mayo, and moistness down there for days of dipping.

MUALGH, with a side of HARK

HARK! HARK! HARK!

2008-08-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Listen up fellow readers.

Postings in the next couple of days are going to be far and wide, Like Oprah's eyes, seriously look at a picture of her from the front her eyes are almost where her ears are, It's so odd, as I am hanging with the family and getting ready for my cousins wedding.

Throw me at a table and give me a case of beer.

HARK!

PROM QUEEN

2008-08-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite unwed teenage mother was out and about on White Trash Wednesday in Mississippi. This shit just writes itself sometimes. To add the white trash frosting onto the white trash cake she was shopping at Wal-Mart.

Don't get me wrong I fucking love Wal-Mart, especially after around 11 at night because that's when all the local crackhead's come out. I've seen this first hand and it throws you off at first because they are so strung out that they can't focus and talk to whatever or whoever is around. Plus their teeth are always chattering or grinding which is a clear giveaway for a meth head.

STORY TIME *Ding *Ding *Ding (The dings are suppose to be bells)

About a year or so ago I was at Wal-Mart with my mom, we always go late at night to people watch, and their was this guy who has about 12 kids with him, he was the size of a retard bus and could not keep his pants up for some reason so he was pushing the cart around with one hand and holding his pants up with the other. Well we were behind him in the frozen food section, I wanted some ice cream and hot pockets, and his pants dropped. I kid you not, his underwear had a giant, and I mean giant, brown streak down the middle. Kind of like Britney's usually do.

He panicked and bent over to pull them up and as he bend over one of his balls popped out the side of the underwear. My mom was a little grossed out, but I continued shopping. A little shit streak and an old man ball is not going to keep me from my ice cream and hot pockets.

Any way, the bitch above shops at Wal-Mart. End of story.

THE BITCH MIGHT NOT BE COMING BACK

2008-08-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

Sad news to report. Mr. Blackwell, the Queen of Mean and Bitchiness, has been in the hospital since last Tuesday apparently in a coma like state, not knowing what is going on around him, according to his long time partner.

This makes me really sad, because he is a great shit talker and tells it like it is to anyone who will listen.

Hoping you get better Mr. Blackwell. Your list of shit talking is something that I look forward to each year and if you around to do pass the job off to me.

SHE CAN RETURN TO THE BRIDGE

2008-08-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's a great day to be a troll. Mary Kate Troll is off the hook and on her way back to the bridge to terrorize the local children. The Fed, or DEA, or something or other has dropped their investigation into the death of Heath Ledger.

As you may or may not know, MK Troll was suppose to be questioned about all the prescriptions that Mr. Ledger has in his room at the time of his death. Some are wondering in MK Troll had anything to do with that, because she was the first person really to find out about his death and the massage lady called her over and over when she discovered the body instead of calling for help.

I may not be a genius, but I do know that Trolls at not doctors and when someone is hurt you do not call 911Troll, instead you call 911.

The Troll sisters are celebrating with rails of cocaine, lettuce leaves, and a nice pack of Marb Reds. The breakfast of champions, or at least Trolls.

RUB MY BELLY

GRANDMA MADE A FUNNY

2008-08-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

That is not a good angle for sure. The Grandmother of Plastic Surgery recently performed in LA and while on stage she decided to take some time out and poke little fun at Brit and Lohan.

She told the crowd:

"Poor little Britney Spears and Lindsey Loahn - Ain't it awful?"

"If those little girls slept with as many men as they say in the tabloids, why their little butts would have more fingerprints than the FBI."

Classic Grandma humor. I love this bitch. She grew up in a one room shack with a dozen or brothers and sisters and has turned herself into a living legend, complete with at theme park. By the way, has anyone ever went to Dollywood? In my mind all the rides are all based on giant fake boobs. Until someone tells me otherwise I am sticking with it.

I am sure neither of them will find the joke funny, but if they knew what was best for them they would not challenge her to a fight, she grew up in the woods and probably has killed more things with her bare hands then Britney or Lindsey have with their poisoned coochies combined. Avoid the poison chooch Dolly.

THAT'S WHERE YOUR DAD COMES FROM

2008-08-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

They are out once again, but don't worry as they each have computer chips installed in the back of their neck so Crazy McBottom can track their every move. You know he's in the hotel watching on his computer or in the that trash can behind them in the first pic, he just rolls around behind them until they return to the hotel. Kind of like that crazy as fuck guy on Dr. Phil who tracked his wife's every move by putting a GPS locater in her car, but didn't tell her.

Anyway, little Robot Suri and Stepford Wife went on a stroll around NYC and while out Suri inquired between bottle breaks, isn't she too old to be sucking on a bottle still, I don't have any kids of my own, but know that a 2 or however old she is should not be using a bottle anymore. That kid is going to have crazy as fuck buck teeth. I digress, whatever that means, Little Suri asked where daddy came from and of course being the wonder and attentive mother that technology has made her Mrs. Crazy McBottom felt like pointing it our for her.

"You see that bright north star honey. Look I am pointing at it. Well that's where Daddy comes from and all of his friends. Now let's make a run for it. Run Bitch Run everyone's on their own."

EVERYONE IS PREGO

2008-08-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am amazed how many people are knocked up now a days. It's like no one has anything better to do then stare at a ceiling.

Porn stars are now getting knocked, as Jenna Jameson just announced. Her and tiny dick, he's showing everyone how big he is in the picture, are going to be adding another kid to this unholy world. You know it won't look like her though, as she has more plastic parts than Barbie and I hope for the kids sake that it doesn't look like him, he's always reminded me of someone with a slight case of the Down's, who was just slow enough to be accepted in to the Special Olympics.

I am sure she won't have any trouble dropping that baby, as her vag has been around the block more times than Paris. She's had more meat than an Italian Salami Shop.

Congrats Douchebags on your impending addition to the family. Just going by what I know about them the child is either going to end up being a stripper or a fighter, a fighting stripper, that sounds fun, but isn't that what Pamela Anderson does?

GRAB THE CRISCO!!!

2008-08-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

Every Fister's dream was snapped leaving the gym yesterday looking extra buff. Granted he looks good, I am not knocking him there, but this kid must tweeze his eyebrows on a daily basis to keep in the shape that they are. They have perfect little arches and you never, I repeat, never see him with a blemish, AKA, Giant Zit.

All 20 years olds have zits, that's just a part of life. He probably uses his long luscious bangs to cover them up. He should be the new model for Cover Girl, throw that tank ass Queen Latifah to the curb.

I am sure wherever John Travolta is he has a giant zucchini criscoed up and on standby in case more pics of Twinkle Toes make their way to the web today.

GIVE THIS BITCH A SAMITCH

2008-08-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is going on here. I can't believe her husband would be into fucking this, she has the body of a 12 year old boy and A Posh Head, AKA, Giraffe Head all on a skinny as shit body. I am all for one about being skinny, but you have to look healthy while doing it. You cannot replace your lady parts with man parts and that is exactly what is going on here in the chest area.

The weight of her head is going to make her topple over like an ostrich. Not a good look on the streets on NYC, but it could be very profitable.

Anyway, here she is arriving to a taping of David Letterman earlier today. She only requested Lemon Water and Celery Sticks in her dressing room, Oh who am I kidding, and a salt lick as well. Zoo animals are fun.

EAT SOMETHING.

FREAK SHOWS IN TOWN

2008-08-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

The Tuna TarTar Twosome, I just made that up and I love it, rolled out of bed and hit the streets of Miami today to do some shopping and, fingers crossed, score an 8 ball or two of that really good Colombian shit. Sorry, I forgot, Lindsey is clean and sober just like Paula "Where am I" Abdul.

I love the two illegal immigrants behind them trying to figure out how to work the cameras that they just stole from around the corner.

I don't understand why they are both looking on different directions. Is it because they don't want to be seen together, cause too late for that bitches cause you're on Illegal Immigrant Camera. Wait a second, maybe you actually are, if they can figure out how to use them.

"Chiqueta how do you work this camera, Esa?'

'Oh Papa Conessa, I don't know just push the buttons."

"I just looked at the watch I stole, time to get pregnant, let's go."

And that ladies and gentleman, sums up this post.

SIDE OF TEETH ANYONE?

2008-08-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here's the future first lady of good old United States of America on the cover of EBO (Look at the pic and you will get the joke) magazine. She looks good, a bit forced, her chicken cutlet cheeks look very large and in charge, as do her teeth. When I first looked at the picture I thought it was a piano, as the teeth take center stage.

I think she's probably fun. A goody two shoes probably, but you know how they really are. Girls Gone Wild, Tits Flashing, Pill Popping, Party Whores. Time to bring some excitement to that White House.

KNOCKED UP DAY!!!

2008-08-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, that poor vag. After this post I am heading straight down to Hallmark and getting her a vag a sympathy card. TRUST, I know they have one, they have one for every occasion.

Here's a short little story for you. A few years back my drunk slutty friend, we all have one, hooked up with this black guy, she's loves her some dark meat, at a bar and went back to his place. They started to get their hump day on, but they didn't have a rubber. So she, being the clever devil that she is, found a zip lock freezer bag and one of those giant rubber bands, tossed it to him, and off they went like two raw chicken breasts slapping together.

I thought this ho gave birth a long ass time ago, but apparently not. Here she is, probably fulfilling her cravings for biscuits and gravy. On a side note, I fucking love biscuits and gravy.

Good thing bones break and muscles tear, cause that's going to be a bitch to get out. Kind of like a trying to push a watermelon through a garden hose. OUCH.

I am cramping up just thinking about and I don't even have those parts.

IS THIS A JOKE?

2008-08-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

This has to be a joke right? I mean Pamela Anderson has made her career by shoving meat down her throat and here she is trying the new KFC Faux Meat Samitch (That's how old poeple say it I swear).

Good for her for being all Peta and shit, but come on, how else does she get her protein for the day without eating a little meat. Oh yes, I forgot, she was basically born with a dick tickling her tonsils.

I guess you could eat beans and rice if you want to go vegetarian, but then that's the Mexican meal of choice and who the fuck wants to be Mexican, even they are running from their country.

THERE BETTER BE TWINS IN THERE!

2008-08-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

Cause if there aren't she's fucked. She'll be giving birth to the 5 year old and at 5 years old the nails and teeth are fully developed, so that thing is going to be tearing her vag apart left and right. Kind of how Oprah devours a whole BBQ pig when she's her feet at her house in Hawaii.

Her creepy as fuck 17th husband, I know she hasn't had 17 husbands just play along okay, it's easier if you do, better start praying now, because if she has this look on her face before they pop out imagine what she's going to look like after. FEED ME SEYMOUR, FEED ME.

I know this picture is a couple of months old, but it's a classic, as she's on the prowl for the CheeseBurger Basket with Curly Fries. I love curly fries.

By the way she is prego my eggo with twins.

VEINS, VEINS, VEINS!!!

2008-08-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

Veins like this belong only one place, on a giant dick. Maybe his arm is a dick? If not, it's turning into one. Here's old as dirt Sly getting a little help into a boat while on vacation someone where in Europe with his family.

#1 He looks blind to me in this pic.

#2 His arms look different sizes.

#3 He's old.

#4 Those Veins, I cannot get over them.

A few months back he said that he maintains his body by taking human growth hormones, which are not banned in the US, but not recommended for use. They appear to be working cause he's turning into a giant penis.

Rumor has it he's working on a new film "Attack of the Geriatric Dong"

THE TITS HAVE LANDED

2008-08-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Jordan and her gayer than Elton John husband landed at LAX yesterday so she can get some more work done her boobs. I am serious, she's getting a boob job while her husband gives blow jobs.

She was in town for a while a couple months ago and took her tits up a few sizes, but she doesn't like them, so she's back to take them down to a large C cup.

This lady is crazy as fuck, has a gay husband, and is worth millions and she's done it all on her own. She came from nothing and how has everything. One question? Who likes dick more, her or her husband?

I AM IN THE WRONG BUSINESS

2008-08-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am in the wrong fucking business, believe me. When Jeff Foxworthy is making $150,000 an episode for that dumb as fuck 5th grader show you know your life sucks. End it now, or forever hold your peace.

One again Queen Chunk (OPRAH) tops the list with a few hundred, yes HUNDRED, million. Simon Cowell makes about 45 Mill a year, which is funny to me cause in my opinion his shit talking is childlike compared to mine. Throw my ass in front of a camera and toss a few lard asses up on stage and see what I say. That 5 second delay button will be working overtime.

Judge Judy makes 30 Mill a year, but she deserves it in my opinion. That bitch can lay you out flat and ruin your life just by looking at you. White Trash Beware. Why do you think Anna Nicole died?

Charlie Sheen makes $350,000 per episode of his craptastic show. He can buy the hooker and the bottle of RID at the time. He's probably RID's largest shareholder.

Katie Couric and her frozen forehead and side talking mouth, WATCH HER next time and you will understand, makes 15 Mil a year. For what I have no idea.

This list makes me sick. I am going to start submitting my resume. I thought about taking acting lessons from Shauna Sand, but I already know who it lay on my back with my legs behind my head.

Oh By the way, I love this picture of Oprah because it reminds me of all the fat women around who extend their neck and head in photographs because they know they are suffering from a case of turkey gobble. Fat people are fun.

DEEPTHROAT?

2008-08-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Is this the new Deep Troat? Linda Lovelace for 2008? You know she took that mic deep and whole.

Any way, here's the future Hustler cover model, TRUST THIS, doing her thing at the Teen Choice Awards in L.A.

Is it just me or does she remind anyone else of a hairy aquatic rodent? Such as:

*A Beaver

*A Capybara

*An Otter

*A Coypu

*A Muskrat

I am going with Beaver, cause everyone likes a good Beaver in one way or another.

Plus, what the fuck is up with the Janet from Three's Company outfit?

A Deep Throating Beaver? Think about that for second.

PERFECT WAY TO START THE WEEK

2008-08-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

I knew something good was coming my way today. I could smell it in the air when I woke up, or did the dog fart? I feel like The Lord above sprinkled me with fairy dust because I feel blessed.

Funny thing about this pic is the fact that I wore that same outfit to Big Lots yesterday, although I did not have two douche bags with me. I fucking love Big Lots, box after box after box of candy and for fucking cheap. Big Lots is my heaven and when it's my time to go I want to come back as the Big Lots just around from my apartment. I could spend hours in there and I have. Don't knock it till you try it.

There's nothing like walking down the street with just a t-shirt on and a pair of matching underwear on your head.

Is it wrong to like the Rolling Stones camo tongue shirt? Cause I do

BABY PIC?

2008-08-04T11:05:00.001-07:00

Nicole Richie sure was a cute baby wasn't she?

SOMEONE BEAT THIS BITCH WITH A "YOU ARE NOT 12" STICK

2008-08-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is going on here and why the hell does she think she's 12? Granted she's lost some weight, more like had it sucked out or melted away the same way Brit does, but why does she insist on looking like a 12 year old hooker.

She's almost 60 and is still dressing like this. I am starting to think that the reason she married her boy toy was to feel younger and to be eternally connected to the generation below her. When he gets too old she's going to drop his ass and pick someone else up. Cougar on the prowl, lock up the young ones, cougar on the prowl.

HARK. Only Asians are suppose to wear yellow by the way. HARK

SECURITY!!!

2008-08-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

Brian-Austin Green was at the Teen Choice Awards, for what I do not know. I debated for several hours last night and this is what I came up with.

*Security Guard

*Drink Server

*Bathroom Attended

*Janitor

*Assistant to Miley Cyrus

*One of Mariah's Carey's oil/sweat blotters.

Take your pick, because he probably, at some point, took on the role of all of them. Whatever needed to be done BAG (His initials spell BAG. Some things just write themselves) was ready and took charge to resolve the problem.

The only real thing he has going for him now is his hot ass girlfriend.

POWER BOTTOMS UNITE

2008-08-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently there was a power bottom event in L.A. last night and these two went together. JOKING, they were snapped together at the Teen Choice Awards. Each one was there looking for the youngest and smoothest piece of teen ass they could get, when they couldn't find anyone, they ended up with each other. I bet the bedroom sounded like two pigs in heat.

To complete their outfit's all they need is pink caps and a double ended dildo.

I wonder who's wearing more make-up?

IN LOVE

2008-08-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

I just love this picture, no story behind it, just love it and I can totally hear her telling K-Fed in her southern/retarded twang that yes indeed, Poop does come from there. Good Times.

A LITTLE STORY

2008-08-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Right before I started posting for the day I gave birth to a brown trout that I swear was bigger than Mini Me. Below is a list of what I ate yesterday:

1. About 8 cups of coffee

2. 1 elephant ear or fried dough from the town carnival I went to with my family yesterday

3. 1 Cheeseburger and 1 order of fries with a root beer float on the side

4. 1/2 a funnel cake, split it with one of my inbreed cousins. (Am I bashing myself here?)

5. A giant movie theater style box of Hot Tamales

6. Half of an apple (WEIRD)

7. 1 piece of apple pie

8. Chinese Food. My order was as follows: Fried Shrimp, Chicken Chow Mein, Sesame Chicken, Pork Fried Rice, BBQ Pork, Crab Puff Wontons.

9. Bowl of Cheerios right before bed.

It was so large and I used so much energy pushing it out that my legs gave out when I stood up and I had to brace myself against the wall in order to retain my balance. By the way it was a double flusher so that gives you an idea of just how large it was.

The pic above is the best visual I could give in regards to size.

GREAT PARENTING

2008-08-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Here's one of Beck's and Giraffes kids giving the bird to the paps as they were out spending his millions.

This reminds me of when I was growing up. I remember, through the help of my parents and old ass neighbors, how I use to stand in the driveway of my house and yell at the older kids "Come play with me you son's of bitches" at 3 years old. If they didn't come play I would grab the hose and stray their asses as they rode by on their bikes. Also, on a side note, my Grandma taught me how to spit when I was the ripe old age of 2 years old.

Nothing like growing up white trash.

WHAT IN JESUS H. CHRIST IS THIS?

2008-08-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

What in the holy fucking hell is this? He claims he "straight" and one of my really good friends would do him, she even stalked him for a while, creepy I know, not the stalking part but the fact that she would do him. He reminds of someone who would take a couple minutes in the middle of hump day to get up, pluck a few eyebrows, and put some "gel" in his hair.

Seriously him and Jackie Warner would make a hot ass couple. I don't get the outfit at all, but it sure makes him look butch doesn't and NO straight man wears a vest or anything that resembles a vest.

What does he do now a days where he gets invited to these Whorewood events? I am dying to get invited to some of these events because I would wear the biggest pair of pants and jacket I own in order to steal as much shit as possible so I could hawk that shit on Ebay. Addictions are a bitch.

NOT GOOD.

2008-08-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

On a side note. Christina Applegate from "Married with Children", etc.... fame has been diagnosed with breast cancer, but the good news is that her people are saying that it was caught in the early stages and that there is not threat to her life.

Positive Vibes heading your way.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

2008-08-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

First of all the he has to sit on his feet even to see over the handle bars of his scooter, so I can only imagine him behind the wheel of an actual car. Just as scary, if not more, when an Asian gets behind the wheel for the first time. Duck and cover cause that bitch is going off the road.

Back to the midget. I get sidetracked so easily. How does he bring in so much tail. Granted they all looked a little retarded, but still. It must be the money because no one can get any pleasure from being fucked by a Q-Tip.

I also love the pic of the mullet man hanging on the front. I had a rocking mullet all throughout he 80's, Business in the front and Party in the rear. Good Times. HARK.

ONE SMART PUSSY

2008-08-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

One hairy pussy and one wrinkled pussy. Just like a Norman Rockwell card. Memories.

Alright, butting ( it's staying) to the chase. This hot hairy pussy saved the life of this 97 year old wrinkled pussy. Believe it or not. Here's what went down. The hairy pussy was meowing in the middle of the night and this really pissed the wrinkled pussy off, because she knows that when she wakes up in the middle of the night she has to change her diaper because she pisses herself while she sleeps. I did it until I was 12, so it's okay, I feel your pissed pain.

When wrinkled pussy picked up the hairy pussy to throw her ass outside she smelled smoke so she ran outside, in just her bra and undies cause she likes to it hot in the bedroom, and flagged down a car, but it was too late as the damage to House of Howling Pussy exceeded $100,000 and the wrinkled pussy canceled her home owners insurance 4 years ago. But she's not sad because her old wrinkled is still alive and kicking and she has her hot hairy pussy to thank for it. She even told reporters that as a treat she's going to give her a can of salmon and by can of salmon I mean she's going to spread them and let the hairy pussy go to town on her tuna tartar.

MUALGH!!!! That one was almost too much for me to take.

Sorry for the lack posts today, I attended a family gathering and by family gathering I mean I watched all my old fat aunts sweat to the oldies (themselves) while eating hamburgers and talking about their bunions and corns. Tomorrow will be back to normal.

TURKEY LEG FIGHT

2008-08-01T13:47:00.001-07:00

Hark, Come Yander, Whateve the fuck that means, but I told you earlier that I am bringing Hark back, so I am going to be using it as much as possible.

Any way on this this chubby checker. She's the chick from Hairspray and her and her dad were just arrested from beating the shit out of lady with a turkey leg ( I AM JOKING, but could see it happening cause chubby checkers always inhaling turkey legs) at an airport on some island in the Caribbean.

Chubby Checker and Daddy Checker were both booked on causing bodily harm to the bitch. Here's what happened in my opinion. There was only 1 Sbarro Pizza joints in that small airport and they were both running to be the next in line when Chubby Checker used her hip power and sent the bitch flying, then Daddy Checker pulled the turkey leg out of his carry on and started to beat the bitch down for trying to cut in front of his precious Chubby Checker and family meal ticket.

That's the story and I am sticking to it and YOU KNOW the fight was over food no matter what the media is reporting.

UPDATE: My first update, exciting. Apparently the other party involved in the fight was a former has been contestant form America's Next Top Model, don't get me started on that shit, and it was all caused over seats. Chubby Checker was saving seats for her family, but the ANTM has been wanted them for her family. YOU KNOW those seats were made out of cheese whiz, (yummmmmmm on apples) popcorn, and yes, turkey legs. What's wrong with sitting on the floor, from the looks of them they were all born on one.

NOT THAT ANYONE CARES

2008-08-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

First of all, drinking and driving do not mix so don't fucking do it, no one is above and law and if you are going to do it steal your elderly neighbor's Hoveround scooter and take off for the Grand Canyon, AKA Paris Hilton's Vag, because either way your going to get hurt.

Hark, (why don't people use that anymore. I am bringing it back) here's a picture of douchebag himself working on getting better by puffing away on a cancer stick. I wonder what will kill him first, the smoking or his drug and alcohol problems? Who cares really?

SHE'S ON THE LOOSE

2008-08-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

Crazy McBottom better get off his back, throw his panty hose on, and run that bitch down. He won't though you know that for a fact. He controls her through whatever is in the travel mug she's holding. Probably barley milk, with a side of McBottom sauce with just a touch of crazy robot powder thrown in to the keep her parts working correctly.

Here's Robot Holmes on the streets of NYC on her way to rehearsals for her upcoming craptastic broadway play she's staring in. So sad, she use to have potential.

SHE'S NOT LOOKING TO GOOD

2008-08-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Nicole Richie needs to take her retarded puppy face and get out of the sun.